The first time I read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman was just before I got married. It was a transforming read. I discovered that my husband and I have different ways in which we feel appreciated and loved. I discovered that it took effort for me to show appreciation of him in ways other than those that worked for me, not because he was difficult but because I wasn’t used to thinking beyond my little circle of ‘me’. I discovered that it took perseverance to step out of myself enough to ‘speak’ someone else’s love language. (I had always thought I was pretty good at perseverance).
Impressed with Chapman’s common sense and honesty, I read his book Love As a Way of Life, about a year later. The book talks about why acting in a loving way is satisfying, not just towards family members but to friends, co-workers, even complete strangers. Apparently, some people who read The Five Love Languages didn’t see the value of ‘speaking’ someone else’s language. I thought, “At least they’ll read this, get some sense shaken into them and some of the selfishness shaken out.” Generally self-congratulating.
Then I read the book and discovered that I was one of those selfish people. The beginning section describes kindness – helping other people for no reason other than to acknowledge their value as a person. It made me squirm. Then each subsequent chapter challenged me. I discovered that much of the time I do things because of what it will give me in return. I started to look into the motives of my heart and examine the reasons why I do what I do when I interact with people. It was a turning point for me.
The thing I value about these books is that they teach me to be real everyday. They reaffirm the worth of each person, say some truthful things about how we tick, acknowledge we’re all learning, and show what it looks like to practice loving someone like we love ourselves, everyday, in work meetings, at the breakfast table and in the car park.
The books have encouraged me on the journey of growing in honesty with myself in small ways, which I firmly belive is part and parcel of living a full life. I want to continue getting to know myself under my layers of self-congratulation. I don’t want to be blind to my own faults my whole life. I don’t want to get my claws out – or hop on my High Horse – when something scratches at my surface. To me, that’s not a life worth living. I’m going after fullness, not cover-ups.
What are the books you have read that have helped you grow in honesty with yourself or in authentic kindness towards others? What are the experiences you have had that have scratched beneath your surface?
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