I spent the last ten years not pursuing joy. I had times of thankfulness, of happiness, but I walked through the better part of a decade of my life feeling restless, feeling like I didn’t know who I was, not knowing what I was looking for.
I spent time instead following different vocational paths, hoping that I would find satisfaction in a job. I tried to be more confident. I thought that maybe I needed to be more positive. I tried embracing my introversion. I tried ignoring my introversion. Making a change was stimulating but each time I would feel like T. S. Eliot’s anti-hero Prufrock: ‘That is not it at all’. I began to tell myself that I was being too picky and I should just settle (whatever that means). But still the niggle was there, That is not it at all.
My soul wasn’t singing because I wasn’t spending time with the things that made it sing. I believe that’s actually what we all yearn for. We were all made to live with singing souls…
It’s only been in the last few days, looking back on that season, I can see that the problem was I had forgotten to include the things that I delight in. My soul wasn’t singing because I wasn’t spending time with the things that made it sing. I believe that’s actually what we all yearn for. We were all made to live with singing souls and I believe that the lack of it is what was making me feel restless.
I’ve rediscovered my passions: reading and writing, gardens and flowers, music and dancing. When I was a child, these were the things I couldn’t get enough of. That’s the key right there: these things were my first loves. They are each an innate part of who I am but somewhere along the way I left them on the sidelines, so that they only featured if I had a few minutes to squeeze them in. Lately, I’ve intentionally made them a focus of my time and it’s changed me. I feel satisfied, excited and creative. I am starting to be able to describe who I am… again.
I wonder how many of us become forgetful about this kind of thing. To put this to the test, the question I have for you is what are your passions? What are the things that make your spirit soar? What are the things that make you feel alive?
If you don’t know the answer to any of those questions, you may have forgotten, like I had. Some of the following questions might help jog your memory:
1. What were your favourite things to do as a child?
2. What places do you like to be more than anywhere else, where you’re happy being alone?
3. What is something that annoys you when it’s not done well enough?
4. What is it that you always see differently to other people?
5. What makes you smile?
6. What makes you want to ask more questions?
Follow these leads and see where you end up. Then think about how you can bring these things back as a regular part of your life.
I want to encourage you: if you are like me and have forgotten your first loves, reconnect with them. Actively pursue your passions because they make up the deepest part of you and they will make your life rich and full. It won’t necessarily look the same as when you were a child but they will still bring you great joy.
For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Eliot
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